According to the website HollywoodTuna.com, rumors are swirling that there’s a sex tape of Jessica Simpson having sex with Nick Lachey.   And according to sources close to the Simpson family, this is just another misguided scheme dreamed up by her supercreepy father-manager Joe Simpson to get her back in the news.   “Remember,” said one source, “this is the same guy who’s gone on record talking with gusto about his daughter’s rack.  And who wanted Tony Romo to dump his sports agent so he could manage him.  Maybe Joe hid in the closet and videotaped them, or maybe there isn’t even a tape, but it’s not a stretch to imagine Joe Simpson doing late night infomercials on Spike TV saying ‘for just $19.95 you can get a tape of my daughter ‘doin’ it Hollywood style.’”   According to another source, “Joe Simpson is also trying to market a live pay-per-view of his daughter Ashlee giving birth.  They’re talking about including a patented BirthCanalCam which will be implanted surgically on the crown of the baby’s head while it’s in the womb.  When the baby emerges, the camera will reveal the face of the father, rock and roller Pete Wentz.” 

Hollywood Tuna

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Dina Lohan is making a point of being supportive about her daughter Lindsay’s lesbian relationship with Samanatha Ronson, telling people how cute the pair looked.   According to a source close to the family, Dina’s happiness is real.   “If Lindsay kept sleeping around with guys,” said the source, “it was just a matter of time until she got knocked up.    At least this way, Dina won’t be driving a bunch of grandkids to rehab in 15 years.  Dina taught Lindsay that the best birth control is a girl’s tongue – this isn’t exactly what she was talking about, but it’s working.” 

NY Daily News

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Dreamworks is being sued by a Chinese artist named Zhao Bandi because the panda in “Kung Fu Panda” has green eyes, which he says are evil and not the way a Chinese panda should be represented.   Zhao also wanted an explanation as to why the panda’s father is a duck instead of a panda.    How about every cartoon being sued?   How about French artists suing because French poodles in cartoons walk on two legs and speak English and they know how to use can openers?   How about the English suing because English spaniels in cartoons have straight teeth and don’t eat boiled peas?   How about Iran suing because Persian cats in cartoons don’t speak Farsi or test nuclear warheads?   

Irish Times

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John Cleese has new girlfrend who’s exactly half his age.   The 68-year-old actor, who’s in the middle of divorcing his third wife, whisked 34-year-old Veronica Smiley off to Italy’s Great Lakes for a recent vacation.   A source close to Cleese’s ex-wife was quoted as saying “He’s dating a 34 year old???  I think his python is suffering from Fawlty Vision.” 

Daily Mail

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Hoping to honor rocker Elton John before his first-ever Vermont performance, Ben & Jerry’s has whipped up an ice cream flavor just for him called “Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road.”  The limited-batch ice cream, made from “an outrageous symphony of decadent chocolate ice cream, peanut butter cookie dough, butter brickle and white chocolate chunks,” is a take-off on his 1970s album and song “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”   According to sources close to the ice cream maker, they’d considered several other flavors, but Sir Elton was opposed to Fudgepacker Swirl, Longtime Companion Crunch, and Aging Fruit Sorbet.

 Associated Press

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Katherine Heigl has decided to stay with ”Grey’s Anatomy” despite her recent malignant outburst about last season’s script quality.  TV critics expressed surprise at hearing this after word got out recently about how angry producer Shonda Rimes was at Heigl for the slam.   But according to sources close to the show, “The writers are mad, but all they can do is make the most of it.   One thing they’re considering is telling Heigl that her character needs to gain 60 pounds; when she does she’ll be fired and her other work options will be limited.  Another idea they’re toying with is creating a hidden camera reality show within the show and not telling Heigl.  They might send her character to a leper colony; afterward Shonda will reveal to her on live TV ‘that wasn’t makeup Katherine – the leper you made love with was real.  The good news is, there are nice homes available on Culion Island.’”  

Examiner

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PBS is filming the New York production of King Lear to air on their TV network, and they’re debating whether to show the scene in which actor Ian McKellen is full frontally nude.   This brings up an important issue — do you have to get a faceful of English sausage every time you see a show now?  Between McKellen and Harry Potter in Equus you can’t escape it.   Is this another consequence of the weak dollar, that we’re outsourcing the naked weiner parts?   Not that I’m eager to see them with the “Made in the USA” or “USDA” stamped on them, but in movies too it seems like there’s always a guy named Ewan or Rhys or Nigel in a big hurry to take his pants off.   Okay, the pound is strong – you win – now put away your man-meat. 

Globe & Mail

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Heath Ledger is getting rave reviews for his part as the Joker in the new Batman movie, Dark Knight, which opens this weekend.   Alas, Ledger passed away tragically earlier this year; sadly, it seems, that opportunistic Andy Dick is already campaigning to take over the role…   

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Ranae Shrider, a woman who had sex with Verne Troyer, has provided reporters with details galore about the Mini-Me actor’s sexual performance, how many times he can do it and what duration, etc.  You know, I’m all for some NC-17 kiss-and-tell if it’s about George Clooney or John McCain or Spencer Pratt, but I truly believe that this woman should shut up.   If you have sex with a novelty act, you BECOME a novelty act yourself –the way people refer to someone with an extra nose as “the guy with the extra nose,” they’ll refer to someone who slept with him as “the girl who slept with the guy with the extra nose.”   Therefore, professional courtesy should kick in, and you should shut your cupcake-hole.   Okay, freak?  

Huffington Post

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According to sources close to the French film industry, French production company Canal+ Pictures is close to signing a five year deal with Angelina Jolie.  According to a source close to Canal+, “Canal+ will change its name to BirthCanal+ and instead of action pictures will focus only on pictures of Angelina Jolie’s children.  After all, every picture of her babies makes millions – way more than you can say for their comedies and action pictures.  Her uterus is prolific and has a low overhead, and thanks to its merger with Brad Pitt’s production team, is cranking out reliably profitable top-quality pictures year after year.”  

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