Sex Lies and Hollywood

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says children need to be warned about the dangers of smoking, but Hollywood should not feel pressured to ban cigarettes and cigars from films aimed at youngsters.  “To suddenly tell actors not to smoke a cigarette in a movie when they portray a character [who smokes] is ludicrous.”   A source close to the governor added, “Yeah, smoking hurts people’s health, but so do other retarded things people do in movies, like running back into a building that’s engulfed in flames to save a photograph, or piloting a 747 when they have no training, or leaping from rooftop to rooftop, or getting in a fight with a guy who has KGB training while you’re both on motorcycles, or for that matter the movie clichés like standing up for what’s right when it’s just you against a bunch of heavily armed oaves in a parking lot.  And if you want health consequences, let’s talk about all those movies about guys having mid-life crises, movies that encourage people to “follow their heart” and leave a job as an executive to become a professional badminton player or horseshoes player or move to Montana and write a novel.  Danger?  Try telling your old lady ‘I’m not a CPA any more, I’m a surfer who writes poetry.’  The rear tire of her Tahoe will pop your head like a pimple before you’ve finished telling her about all the prize money you’re going to rack up.”  

Signs on San Diego

Share This

Angelina Jolie has given birth to fraternal twins, a boy named Knox and a girl named Vivienne.   Grieving over the lost opportunities for placements, international adoption agencies have declared a day of mourning.  Also many Third World countries ordered their citizens to slow down their feverish unchecked breeding now that Brangelina will have less time and resources to adopt the overflow. According to a source close to a major Pan-Pacific adoption agency, “Things were already slow because of copycat adopter Madonna’s divorce.   We’re hoping the Hollywood people who blindly parrot the actions of celebrities will pick up the slack, but for the kids, it’s not really the same.  I mean, being adopted by a William Morris agent and his wife who’s in a play in Sherman Oaks is not the same as winding up with Brangie.   Who knows, you could even wind up in public school or eating in chain restaurants or going to birthday parties with under-$100-range-gifts.  This is not what we want for our kids, but I guess it’s any port in a storm.”   

LA Times

Share This

Sex Lies and Hollywood is on vacation and will return tanned and rested on July 14 (Hollywood talk for “we’re getting a facelift - when we come back we’ll be wearing big sunglases and a floppy hat and we’ll have changed our hairstyle as a diversion”. )

Share This

According to a new report, Hugh Hefner is complaining that he has a bad back, and he blames it on too much sex: “Too much time in bed rustling around with friends,” were his exact words.  Oddly, when you compare him to most 82 year olds — who’ve wrecked their spines building canals or taking shrapnel on Iwo Jima – a bad back from nailing centerfolds sounds pretty gay.    Overall though, as Viagra worms its way deeper into the fabric of everyday life, it’s only a matter of time until AARP puts out an orthopedic Kama Sutra showing the vertebrae-friendly positions that a guy in a truss with an aching S-4 can do when he’s in bed with his wife who has a sub-standard hip replacement and calcium-deficient bones. 

Fox

Share This

Nelson Mandela has asked that Naomi Campbell be banned from his 90^th birthday party.  Meanwhile, Amy Winehouse is preparing to sing at the party.  Maybe it’s time for Naomi to start taking those anger management courses seriously – it’s not a good sign when you’re pointedly turned away from an event where a fainting crackhead with a teeth like a hillbilly streetfighter is welcomed.  

Times On Line

Share This

Of course Hollywood is one of those places where celebrities are always doing things like having babies in an ocean with the dolphins, or raising the babies to do yoga, or having string quartets play Beethoven to their pregnant stomachs in hopes of influencing their unborn fetuses.    Sometimes it goes to far – like sometimes women who are entrusted with the care and feeding of an infant just lose sight of the fine line between nurturing and nursing.   Come on, click here – don’t be intimidated by the technology.

News Of The World

Share This

According to actress Megan Fox, the upcoming Transformers 2 is “just going to be a badass movie. It’s just going to be a popcorn visual spectacle, summer film.” As for Michael Bay’s main directorial input to Megan: “His main note to me is just to look hot; so I try my best.”  Just knowing a director told his actress that, I have no choice but to smell an Oscar.  I mean, isn’t that like what a porn director tells his actress?  

MTV 

Share This

According to Page Six, Jenny from the block was acting like a major diva while shopping last week at the Catherine Malandrino boutique on Manhasset’s Miracle Mile . “She demanded the store be shut down for her to shop alone.  Then one of her eight-person entourage, including two bodyguards with their guns showing, was yelling at the clerk that Jennifer gets a 50 percent discount. Jennifer also tried on about a million outfits, then just threw it all in a pile in the dressing room and didn’t buy one thing.”  According to sources close to the shopkeepers, “apparently it’s not enough to have a huge ass any more – now you have to be one too.” 

Showhype 

Share This

Concert tickets to Madonna’s “Sweet & Sticky” tour are slow, and sales of her CD “Hard Candy” are disappointing.  What a shock!  It’s hard to imagine that people aren’t buying her as a coquette – maybe it’s the AARP tattoo peeking out from the thong line?   Or the vague smell of mothballs emanating from her peek-a-boo bra?  Or maybe it’s the blob of denture glue stuck to her tongue stud?   

Page Six

Share This

Sienna Miller burned her breasts during the filming of “G.I. Joe” when she ran the wrong way under an explosion during a stunt.  According a source close to Sienna’s new boyfriend, “It’s not so bad.  Like all English cooking – if you put enough Worcestershire Sauce on it it’ll cover that charred meat taste – not great, but palatable.”   

News24

Share This