Charlize Theron, how could you? When you gained 50 pounds and rubbed fudge on your teeth so you could play a murderous crack whore it wasn’t half the woodywilter that it was to hear you’d gone to Boston to be honored by Harvard’s Hasty Pudding Theatrical Society.
First, let’s talk about Hasty Pudding — what’s the deal with that name? All the other gay desserts from the era of Scarlet Fever were taken?
The media’s fixation on Hasty Pudding selecting its “woman of the year” has long been a source of mystification to all non-Harvard grads, and the fact that a college theater club has somehow, in the last five years, cajoled Charlize Theron, Scarlett Johannson, Halle Berry, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Sandra Bullock to come to their campus and be honored is a boundless source of jealousy and resentment. Note to Jessica Biel or Eva Longoria or whoever they approach next year: it’s time to make a difference. Ignore that Harvard letterhead. Instead of pandering to a bunch of guys who’ve always been at the top of their class and who have parents wealthy enough to afford 40K tuition and who are destined to make millions, ham it up with someone who’ll really appreciate you, like the theater department of Pima County Junior College. Those guys will never forget you. The problem America is trying to solve in this election year is the gulf between the haves and the have-nots, and this would be an excellent first step.

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