Sex Lies and Hollywood

I’m not fortunate enough to have a vagina but if I did it would be screaming “ADD COOLANT!  I’M GONNA BOIL OVER!”   It’s crazy – SJP wore a green hat to the London premiere, and Kim Cattrall went barefoot, and the two hate each other so much they made a spectacle of themselves!   Plus — spoiler alert – they’re going to have a lot of purses and a lot of drinks and they’ll talk about men the way they believe men talk about women in locker rooms and everybody will laugh and cry a lot but at the end of the day they’ll just have more wrinkles and more shoes but I won’t know the details because I’m vagina-deficient so I’m going to stay home and watch that show about the guys who go fishing for giant crabs. 

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Only three weeks until the Sex and the City premiere!   21 days and counting, and America’s collective vagina can hardly contain its excitement.   In fact the hormonal pull of this movie is so strong that gynecologists are reporting national changes in ovulation schedules; a source close to The New England Journal of Medicine called Sex and the City “the ultimate dominant menstruator,” and predicts the moon could actually be pulled slightly off axis the weekend of the premiere. 

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The New York Post Page Six ran a big piece with lots of juicy details about the upcoming Sex And The City movie, with a huge “spoiler alert” warning.   Even so, the Post was a little sparing in their spoilers – they only kind of teased the spoilers.   If you want the movie really spoiled, keep reading. 

THE POST’S SPOILER:  There’s a moment in the movie when Carrie Bradshaw is lounging in a cliff-top Mexican villa, overlooking the ocean.  She checks for voicemail on her pink Swarovski-encrusted cellphone, and sees there’s a message is from Mr. Big.   Carrie throws her phone off the cliff into the ocean.  THE FULL SPOILER:  Carrie’s motivation:  after catching a donkey show in Tijuana the night before, Mr. Big didn’t seem so big any more.  Carrie rings the room service bell and has Eeyore brought to her room for another round. 

THE POST’S SPOILER:  There are fashion tie-ins with scads of glamorous sponsors including YSL, Oscar, Ferragamo, Zac, Dior, Skyy Vodka, Mercedes-Benz, and Tiffany.  THE FULL SPOILER: Product tie-ins are no surprise because after all, who knows how to whore better than a bunch of whores?   The movie works in several surprise sponsorships, however, including one for AARP’s new Valtrex For Seniors and the first-ever Depends thong, in eleven rambunctious colors. 

THE POST’S SPOILER TEASER:  At least one of the women will grapple with infidelity.  THE FULL SPOILER:  What a shocker!   There’s a skanky ho in the movie!   

NY Post

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That’s right – 49 days until the Sex and the City movie opens and we can stop hearing about who’s wearing what shoes in the movie and who’s wearing what purse to the opening and whose limo will arrive first at the premiere and for God’s sake we can stop having to think about a bunch of peri-menopausal grassbacks tittering about weiners while the scrotal-soft turkey skin dangling from their chins and arms flaps over their martinis like a “Going Out Of Business” banner.  Then, it’s just a matter of hoping the movie tanks so there isn’t a sequel where they Botox their vaginas and talk about how all the men at the assisted living center have pendulous testicles.   But we’ll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. 

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The Sex and the City movie isn’t due out until May 30 and already newspapers, magazines, TV tabloids and the internet are awash in speculation and chatter about what fashions and shoes Sarah Jessica Parker, Kristin Davis, Cynthia Nixon and Kim Cattrall will be wearing in the film.   And according to informed sources, all the press coverage is having an unexpected effect:  heterosexual men in droves are flocking to medical facilities in hopes of finding a way to hibernate, live in suspended animation, or be frozen through the end of June.   According to a medical administrator at an unnamed Chicago Institute, “They feel like they’re being tortured at Abu Gay.   If straight men can’t find a way to shut off their sense receptors and drown out the mind-numbing shoe-natter, we’re going to have a situation that’ll make Jonestown look like child’s play.”  

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