Sex Lies and Hollywood

The Puppy Store on Melrose Avenue in LA should get a prize from animal lovers. Over the weekend, Paris Hilton was on her way to a photo shoot and decided she wanted a puppy in the picture with her.  The heiress waltzed in and tried to buy a Yorkie but was rebuffed by an employee who said it was clearly “an impulse buy.” Hilton started screaming, “I love my puppies!  I want my baby!” - but to no avail. The store had no comment, but a canine actuary who overheard the event seemed relieved.  “Statistically, that puppy would have a better chance of living to adulthood if it was sold to a street-kebob vendor in Tijuana, or to Michael Vick,” said the actuary.   “Paris’s purse for a puppy is like a dark hallway for a co-ed during the first ten minutes of a “Friday the 13^th” movie – you see them go in there and you say ‘adios, cutie.’”       

Times of India

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Paris Hilton has dissed her celubutard sisters, and the fur is flying!   When two Las Vegas drive-time DJ’s asked Paris about Kim Kardashian’s rump, Paris said “It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag.” Hilton also badmouthed Jessica Simpson’s double D breasts, saying, “I like how mine is [sic], I don’t like big boobs. I think they’re too … big.”  A spokesman for Kardashian said Kim didn’t want to get in a game of playground name-calling.  The spokesperson went on to say, however, “we should note that Paris’s vagina could be used as a boat slip.   It’s appropriate she’s named Paris because she bakes baguettes in that thing, five at a time.  She hires out her cameltoe at Sturgis as a motorcycle stand.”  The spokesperson want on to wish Paris the best because, “I heard she checked into Cedars yesterday to have some stalagmites removed.” 

NDTV

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Paris Hilton recently came out and stated that 90% of the things written about her on the Internet are untrue.  Okay, dear reader, guess whether the following is in the 10% that’s true or the 90% that’s in the putrid dripping swamp of lies:  

According to sources close to the socialite and her family, Paris recently became obsessed with James Dean after her mother screened “Rebel Without A Cause” during a family reunion.   When Paris found out that the film legend has a twin brother who’s alive and healthy and living in Indiana, she became so obsessed with having a baby with Dean’s DNA that she offered his brother $50,000 for a donation of his sperm.  

(This one’s in the 90% that’s false – a relief for motorists everywhere, no doubt.)

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UK tabloid The Sun has reported that when Paris Hilton was asked in Johannesburg this weekend what she thought of South Africa, she answered: “I love Africa in general — South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries.”  Oddly, despite the heiress’s extremely limited understanding of African geography, she was able to tell Scotch whiskey from Irish, Jamaican marijuana from Hawaiian, Polish vodka from Russian, and a rich Italian guy from a rich Greek guy just by the smell of his testicles. 

the times

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Paris Hilton’s feet attracted attention from paparazzi yesterday for all the wrong reasons — they’re nasty as hell, and freaking enormous!   Further investigation revealed that the heiress wears an Allen Iverson-worthy Size 11!   Maybe that explains the vacant look in her eyes – those flippers are bogarting the blood so her brain doesn’t get any.  Good God, those dogs are so ugly the SPCA wouldn’t rescue them — Estelle Getty doesn’t wear plunging necklines and for the same reason, Paris should put on some socks, and keep them on. 

Daily Mail

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 Paris, a quick thought about sequence:  maybe if you’d done this magazine cover first, then the cabaret act where your dress slid down and exposed your breasts, then the limo ride where your dress slid up and exposed your vagina, then the sex tape, you could have sustained our interest.  But when you do the sex tape first, it takes all the magic out of seeing you scantily clad — kind of like when you have sex with a guy and his frat brothers and his rescued Australian shepherd first, then you become the coquette who doesn’t kiss on a first date.   The expression “ass backwards” might come to mind, but we saw you displaying that position about 4 years ago.   wa!eg.com

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In yet another milestone in her celebrated quest for spiritual enlightenment, Paris Hilton had an appointment with a Hindu holy man this past weekend in Los Angeles.  She and the swami went to the Bodhi Tree Book Store in West Hollywood for copies of “The Path of The Painted Shaman,” and “Wisdom of Buddha” and then headed to the Urth Café.   Media insiders are desperately hoping that Paris converts, just so they’ll be able to call her Ravi Chancre. 

 Daily Star

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Paris Hilton is returning to reality television with a show that will be about her search for a new best friend.  “Paris is tired of the haters,” a source told Usmagazine.com.   “She’s looking for someone new and cool who she can trust.”   A source close to the Hilton family expressed enthusiasm over the decision.  “Thank God that Paris is doing it this way,” said the source.  “Facebook and Craigslist are so antiquated and impersonal – if Paris wants to find a BFF who’ll really warrant the ‘F’s that stand for ‘friend’ and ‘forever,’ there’s no question a reality show is the place to find it.”   Paris is said to be enthusiastic about the project, though she allegedly told producers that if they’re really serious about finding her a worthwhile friend, they should offer the winner a $1 million first prize. 

Us Magazine

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According to a source close to Paris Hilton, the hotel heiress was devastated after being told she couldn’t attend the prestigious event on Sunday night.  “She’s desperate to be taken seriously as an actress and hoped she would be able to network with film executives,” claimed the insider.   When questioned as to why Paris had been banned, a spokesman for the Oscar committee refused to answer, but implied that “the closest she’ll ever get to the Oscars is if she has sex with the fire marshal.” 

news24.com

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As Paris Hilton’s birthday celebration entered its fourth grueling month in Las Vegas this weekend, concerned federal agencies considered stepping in to curtail the expanding swath of environmental destruction.  Authorities tallied the damage wreaked by the gala, which has no apparent end in sight:  

·         The celebration has spanned 22 states and 37 cities, nearly as many as the presidential candidates.  Private jets, limousines, and automobiles have traveled an estimated 110,000 miles, pouring 38 tons of cardon dioxide into the atmosphere; paparazzi and publicists tracking Paris have traveled an estimated 700,000 miles, creating 231 tons of CO2.

·         Five distilleries have been working full-time to produce enough vodka for Paris and her entourage, belching 20 tons of CO2 into the atmosphere.   Additionally, smoke from candles on hundreds of birthday cakes have added another 3200 pounds of carbon dioxide into the ozone.  

·         Since the celebration began, Paris has worn 157 different outfits, costing the lives of hundreds of cattle and tens of thousands of silkworms; manufacture and delivery of the clothing has burned a staggering 3000 gallons of diesel fuel, and laundry another 600.  

·         55,000 gallons of fuel oil have been burned to make the plastic for water bottles consumed by Paris, her entourage, and the pursuing press, and 1400 more gallons to make the latex to provide Paris with condoms and rubber underwear for after-parties. 

According to experts, if Paris Hilton wanted to carbon neutralize her birthday celebration, she’d have to plant enough trees to fill the Willamette National Forest, which stretches for 110 miles along the western slopes of the Cascade Range in western Oregon. 

Daily Mail

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