Sex Lies and Hollywood

A Columbia co-ed whose $11,000 blond mink coat disappeared while she was at a party has found it – when she was flipping through OK! Magazine, she saw a photo of Lindsay Lohan wearing it!   Realizing Lindsay had been at the same party, the co-ed had her attorney contact Lohan’s lawyer, and the coat was returned the next day.  

Surprisingly, sources close to the actress seemed pleased with the story.  “It’s just good to see Lindsay taking actions toward putting clothes on for a change,” said the source.  “Usually when Lindsay rips off clothes, it’s for a photographer or a guy named Fulvio or Luigi or Roberto or someone with that irresistible combination of a cell phone camera and a penis.”

E! On-line

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Lindsay Lohan is back in the papers — a mugshot of the 21-year-old actress, who’s been in and out of rehab after two DUI’s last year, has been used in an ad about devices that measure a driver’s blood alcohol level before their vehicle can start.   A spokesman for the American Beverage Institute said Lohan was chosen because of her high profile DUI’s – definitely a gig she didn’t campaign for.  LiLo was upset, but according to industry insiders, it was actor Haley Joel Osment who was really furious.  According to sources close to Osment, the actor ranted “How can they just take that image of her and put it in that ad?  Like my mug shot was chopped liver?  I get Oscar nominations and she gets Razzies, and I bet they didn’t even consider me.  Who the hell is her publicist?   Who do I have to sleep with to get some f***ing face time in this town?   I need a new manager.”

reuters

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Lindsay Lohan is going to go completely naked in a low budget movie about a nymphomaniac because she wants to be known as a “mature actress.”  Producers only wanted Lindsay to go topless during red-hot sex scenes and were stunned when she volunteered to go full frontal.  Yesterday it was announced that Daniel Radcliffe was going to be naked on Broadway — is there a special on naked child stars this week?  Harry Potter and Herbie Fully Loaded both in their birthday suits – please God don’t let this be the beginning of a trend – America really doesn’t want to see Mayim Bialik and Jonathan Lipnicki in a dinner theater production of “Hair.”  

China Daily

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We live in a celebrity culture. No doubt about it — if you’re famous, you’re fodder. But we have to have standards. Not every little thing these so-called starlets and celebutantes do is newsworthy. Paris goes to jail? Report it. That MILF from Sex in the City might have a sex tape? Let’s see it.

But now a line has been crossed. Today, the venerable Pink Lady of journalism, People Magazine, published the following story:

“Lindsay Lohan, (was) warming up after getting caught in a wind flurry outside Lisa Kline in Beverly Hills. The actress headed into the boutique, browsed through the dresses – then picked out two sweaters.”

That’s it. That’s the story. Lindsay bought two sweaters. Never mind the fact that People’s erstwhile journa-lames couldn’t even tell us what colors the sweaters were or how much they cost. Could I get at least some flies on my turd?

Somebody please tell me how this shocking development qualifies as a story in a major national magazine. What Columbia journalism grad, slumming it at People, swallowed her dignity and wrote this tripe? Did she volunteer for the sweater beat, hoping that if she proved herself, she’d get a shot at a story about slacks in the fall?

I can’t wait for People’s hard-hitting story about Ashton Kutcher’s sideburns, or their in-depth look at Mary-Kate Olson’s socks, or their exclusive about Roger Clemens’ sweaty jockstrap.

Rant over. Now excuse me while I go read Highlights Magazine so I can get some of my brain cells back.

(And yes, we know LiLo’s not wearing a sweater in the above picture. Would you rather see her with a sweater? Honestly? Didn’t think so.)

People

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Lindsay Lohan flew into a wild rage on a commercial shoot in Los Angeles after she found onions in her burrito, shouting “I didn’t f****** order this!” at the craft service table.  A source on the set said: “Everyone was just looking at each other with open mouths. It was a minor thing but she caused such a scene - no one could believe it.”   According to insiders at the catering service, disgruntled food servers are already planning to commemorate her outburst by naming a sandwich after her. “The LiLo” is formulated to honor Lindsay’s most notable traits:  Loose meat, hot tongue, baked fried and toasted, served with crabs, over easy, no onions or Oscars. 

Mirror

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Lindsay Lohan’s re-creation of Marilyn Monroe’s photo shoot was such a hit for New York Magazine that Hugh Hefner wants a piece of the action.  Hef is hoping that LiLo will recreate Marilyn Monroe’s famous nude swim from her unfinished final film, “Something’s Got To Give,” for Playboy.   Lohan’s mother Dina is apparently enthusiastic about the pictorial, allegedly saying “Our goal is to completely demystify Lindsay by the end of the year.  In fact, we’re in talks to have Lindsay’s full body scan appear in the New England Journal of Medicine – we’re hoping she’ll be the centerpiece of their first annual ‘Inside Hollywood’s Hottest Summer Bodies’ issue.” 

The National Ledger 

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Last time LiLo was in Italy she hooked up with three guys on New Year’s Eve; this time she’s here for Milan Fashion Week.   After the success of her re-creation of a pictorial originally done by actress Marilyn Monroe, Lindsay may go to the Leaning Tower of Pisa to recreate a pictorial originally done by actress Traci Lords. 

celebrity-gossipnet

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Astronomers at the Haydn Planetarium, who normally spend their days finding constellations in stars, have dedicated the last two days to finding constellations in Lindsay Lohan’s freckles.  So far they’ve located 600 including the word OBAMAMANIA; the Tampa Bay Buccaneers logo; a Nike swoosh; a profile of Soprano’s star Michael Imperioli; two dodacahedrons; Google Earth outline of Diamond Bar, California; the logo for the Morongo Casino; and (they claim) the words “for a good time call Lindsay at 888 555 0199.” 

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The actress was arrested for driving under the influence early Tuesday after an incident involving a car chase.  Lindsay was booked on two misdemeanor charges of suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol and driving on a suspended license and two felony charges of possession of cocaine and transport of a narcotic.  Would someone please help this girl.  Maybe it’s time for her to spend some time in jail.   

ABC News

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Lindsay Lohan allegedly amused herself in rehab by wandering around naked to shock male patients and staff.   She recently spent 45 days in Malibu’s Promises Centre to be treated for alcoholism and was reportedly overheard bragging about her nude exploits at Allegra Versace’s birthday party.

“Lindsay was howling with laughter as she told all her friends, including Bruce Willis’ daughter Rumer. They were all giggling too and their eyes were popping out.  Lindsay said, I drove them all mad wandering around completely naked. They kept telling me to quit, but it was so much fun to tease all those boys. I just couldn’t stop it!” 

Stuff

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