It was like a fever dream – I turned on the TV and there was she was, cackling and making a horrific embarrassment of herself… at first I thought it was like a flashback to those rainy gray years before I learned about Lexapro… but slowly I realized it was real, it was true, it was Kathie Lee… they wouldn’t really HIRE her to come back on the air, would they?   They must have let her be on TV for some kind of “Make A Wish Foundation” for adults thing, right?  Right?  RIGHT?  Ugh…

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Kathie Lee Gifford is back on daytime television as the co-host of the fourth hour of NBC’s “Today.”   The move has sparked a wave of Congressional hearings and widespread outrage from protesters who claim that if waterboarding is considered a human rights violation, exposing innocent Americans to Kathie Lee’s grating, shrieking braggadocio is also.   A leading activist cites the fact that Kathie Lee had spent the last five years at Guantanamo Bay earning a reputation as the most successful interrogator in CIA history – according to military sources inside the prison camp, al-Qaeda operatives would spill any secret to get her to shut up.  “If she hadn’t threatened to tell that story about Cody and the beanbag chair again,” said the source, “al-Zarqawi would probably still be on the loose.”

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Good news, TV viewers:  you won’t have to wait any longer to have someone to remind you daily of how much better her life is than yours and how much more perfect her children are than yours and how much better her pets are than yours – because Kathie Lee is back!   She’ll begin hosting the 10 a.m. hour of the Today show as soon as April 1.  By the way, that “tink… tink… tink…” you hear is the sound of hammer-heads driving icepicks, knitting needles, dowels, and sharpened chopsticks into ear canals, eye sockets, and jugular veins all around the country.   

Fox News

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