Sex Lies and Hollywood

Employees of the “Dr. Phil” TV show posted bail for a Florida teenager jailed for taking part in a videotaped beating of another teen, a spokeswoman for the show’s host confirmed Saturday.  “We have helped guests and potential guests in the past when they need financial assistance to come on the show,” the spokeswoman admitted.  “In this case, certain staff members went beyond our guidelines.”  

However, a source close to the show claims that Dr. Phil’s staff has no intentions of slowing down their desperate bid for compelling guests.  “As we speak, two Associate Producers are digging a tunnel under the wall of San Quentin in hopes of getting Scott Peterson for a fall appearance.”  The source added that Osama bin Laden is currently living in a cage in Dr. Phil’s pool cabana, being held until the May Sweeps period begins.  “If you think the CIA is going to interview bin Laden before Dr. Phil, you’re sadly mistaken.” 

Fox News

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 …. Keith Richards is no slouch either.

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After spitting at a police officer and exploding with rage over a lost bag, Naomi Campbell was handcuffed, removed from her airplane, and arrested at Heathrow   Airport yesterday.  Eyewitnesses report that she additionally attempted to kick and punch the officers trying to restrain her.  According to British authorities, Campbell will be kept in the unit with the quarantined animals passing in and out of the country; pending distemper tests and a mandatory de-clawing, authorities say she will either be destroyed or sedated and restricted to a pen. 

Mirror

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If you’re a contestant on American Idol, you’re not a “rocker.”

‘Nuff said.

Newsday

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According to a new book, Walt Disney films such as Bambi, The Jungle Book and Pocahontas have played an important role in educating the public about the environment.  A spokesman for the studio said that in the interests of realism, Disney plans to continue to make movies about nature, but with a difference – they’ll reflect the changes to the environment as the human population increases and urban sprawl moves into the wilderness.  Next year’s offerings include “Jumby,” about a bear who squeezes through the window of Winnebago and kills a family for a package of Vienna Fingers; “Mr. Mask,” about a raccoon who organizes gangs of other raccoons who figure out how to break into homes, terrorize the residents, and steal all the food and shiny objects; and “Taking Wing,” about a hungry falcon who becomes a fugitive after he steals an infant from a stroller.    

telegraph

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UK tabloid The Sun has reported that when Paris Hilton was asked in Johannesburg this weekend what she thought of South Africa, she answered: “I love Africa in general — South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries.”  Oddly, despite the heiress’s extremely limited understanding of African geography, she was able to tell Scotch whiskey from Irish, Jamaican marijuana from Hawaiian, Polish vodka from Russian, and a rich Italian guy from a rich Greek guy just by the smell of his testicles. 

the times

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We keep hearing over and over that Friday Night Lights is “the best show you’re not watching.”

Okay, critics, we get it. It’s a good show. Maybe the best ever. But we’re busy people and we can’t drop everything to watch the best show we’re not watching just because you keep insisting.

And while we’re at it, thank God The Wire is finally over, so we don’t have to hear critics telling us to watch that too.

Unfortunately for our sanity, an FNL cast member recently revealed that the football drama is being picked up for a third season. This despite the fact that no one watches the show except shut-ins and television critics.

Now we have to listen to another year of critics scolding us for not watching this show. Thanks, NBC!

E! Online

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It’s not official yet, but NBC’s atrocious Bionic Woman remake has been cancelled, according to the show’s executive producer David Eick.

We really respect Eick, who also exec produces the phenomenal Battlestar Galactica, but Bionic Woman stunk from the get-go. Week after week, we marveled at how a team of professional writers could render unwatchable what should have been a slam dunk — an action show about a hot robo-chick kicking ass.

“I just felt that the process was so frustrating, and the conditions under which we were making that show never really came to fruition in such a way that I felt like we could make the show well,” Eick told SciFi Wire recently.

Then he dropped this bombshell, “At a certain point, when it becomes that frustrating, I think you’re better off to say, ‘Let’s try again another time,’ and let it go.”

Did Eick just threaten another Bionic Woman remake? Wasn’t one trip back to the nanite-infested well enough for one lifetime?

If Eick really wants to do another half-woman/half-robot remake, we’d like to make a suggestion. We’ve been dying for someone to reboot Small Wonder, that cheesy 80s sitcom about a family that adopts a robot named Vicki, which we always assumed was a veiled metaphor about a married couple who bring a vibrator into their home to solve their marital problems.

But that’s just our take on it. We may be wrong.

Wired

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What is going on with the Democrats lately? First, Hillary and Obama tear apart the Donkey Party in their quest for the nomination. Now, 30 Rock goddess Tina Fey is ripping into Daily Show god Jon Stewart.

In a new interview with Reader’s Digest, T-Fey was asked if she preferred laughter or applause for her jokes. “Laughter,” she replied. “You can prompt applause with a sign. My friend, SNL writer Seth Meyers, coined the term clapter, which is when you do a political joke and people go, “Woo-hoo.” It means they sort of approve but didn’t really like it that much. You hear a lot of that on [whispers] The Daily Show.”

Oh snap! No she didn’t!

We don’t know what’s more shocking, that T-Fey turned into a “Mean Girl” for no reason at all or that Reader’s Digest still exists.

We’re not exactly sure what prompted this Clash of the Comedy Titans, but we’re betting it’s the time J-Stew dissed T-Fey at an urban dance-off back in ‘92. T-Fey did the Hammer Dance, then J-Stew did the Worm. The crowd went nuts for the future Daily Show host, and a feud was born.

In the rest of the article, Tina discusses her favorite Stooge (Larry), her husband (who cares?), and her upcoming film Baby Mama (which no one will see). Like you needed more proof that Reader’s Digest sucks. Unfortunately it’ll have to do until Tina does that Maxim spread.

Reader’s Digest

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Celine Dion’s fuzzy legs at a concert in Japan…

That’s them again….

 …and that’s the leg of a housefly, magnified 60 times. 

Daily Mail

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