Sex Lies and Hollywood

Mother’s Day was a big event for celebrities, with lots of togetherness and gifts.   According to Hollywood insiders, here are some of the presents that were given around Hollywood yesterday:   Brad Pitt got Angelina Jolie got a copy of the Kelly Blue Book with orphan prices.   David Beckham gave Posh Spice a sandwich but she made him trade it for diamond earrings.    Pam Anderson’s kids gave her a Director’s Chair with the words “Our next stepdad sits here.”   As per their Sunday tradition, Tom Cruise gave Katie Holmes a bubble-bath and a brainwashing.   Rob Lowe gave his wife season tickets to an NBA locker room.    And after watching her promote her latest album, Guy Ritchie enrolled Madonna in the Taliban, saying “they know a lot more about women growing into 50 gracefully than she does.” 

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Oxygen’s Talk Sex show with colorful septugenarian Sue Johanson is ending its run after six seasons, the network announced Tuesday.   A course close to the 77 year old entertainer said that after 32 years on the air, Johanson was leaving to spend more time with her dildoes family.   Let’s all join hands and pray that she too isn’t replaced by Ryan Seacrest – when she’d stand and wag a sex toy at you like a witch waves her crooked finger it was bad enough, but to see Ryan do it would be downright horrifying. 

Associated Press 

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Joe Simpson, who’s the manager for his daughters Ashlee and Jessica, is working hard to cash in on Ashlee’s upcoming wedding and pregnancy.  A source said “Joe is contacting all the weeklies and asking them to pony up $1 million to put Ashlee on the cover. The deal would include photos of Ashlee, taken by Joe so he can make more money, an interview and photos of the baby when she has it.”  According to a separate source close to Joe Simpson, for $1.5 million he’s also offering a black & white film of his daughter giving a guy oral favors, but the buyer has to be a “discreet collector.”    

NY Post

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The New York Post Page Six ran a big piece with lots of juicy details about the upcoming Sex And The City movie, with a huge “spoiler alert” warning.   Even so, the Post was a little sparing in their spoilers – they only kind of teased the spoilers.   If you want the movie really spoiled, keep reading. 

THE POST’S SPOILER:  There’s a moment in the movie when Carrie Bradshaw is lounging in a cliff-top Mexican villa, overlooking the ocean.  She checks for voicemail on her pink Swarovski-encrusted cellphone, and sees there’s a message is from Mr. Big.   Carrie throws her phone off the cliff into the ocean.  THE FULL SPOILER:  Carrie’s motivation:  after catching a donkey show in Tijuana the night before, Mr. Big didn’t seem so big any more.  Carrie rings the room service bell and has Eeyore brought to her room for another round. 

THE POST’S SPOILER:  There are fashion tie-ins with scads of glamorous sponsors including YSL, Oscar, Ferragamo, Zac, Dior, Skyy Vodka, Mercedes-Benz, and Tiffany.  THE FULL SPOILER: Product tie-ins are no surprise because after all, who knows how to whore better than a bunch of whores?   The movie works in several surprise sponsorships, however, including one for AARP’s new Valtrex For Seniors and the first-ever Depends thong, in eleven rambunctious colors. 

THE POST’S SPOILER TEASER:  At least one of the women will grapple with infidelity.  THE FULL SPOILER:  What a shocker!   There’s a skanky ho in the movie!   

NY Post

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Employees of the “Dr. Phil” TV show posted bail for a Florida teenager jailed for taking part in a videotaped beating of another teen, a spokeswoman for the show’s host confirmed Saturday.  “We have helped guests and potential guests in the past when they need financial assistance to come on the show,” the spokeswoman admitted.  “In this case, certain staff members went beyond our guidelines.”  

However, a source close to the show claims that Dr. Phil’s staff has no intentions of slowing down their desperate bid for compelling guests.  “As we speak, two Associate Producers are digging a tunnel under the wall of San Quentin in hopes of getting Scott Peterson for a fall appearance.”  The source added that Osama bin Laden is currently living in a cage in Dr. Phil’s pool cabana, being held until the May Sweeps period begins.  “If you think the CIA is going to interview bin Laden before Dr. Phil, you’re sadly mistaken.” 

Fox News

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 …. Keith Richards is no slouch either.

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After spitting at a police officer and exploding with rage over a lost bag, Naomi Campbell was handcuffed, removed from her airplane, and arrested at Heathrow   Airport yesterday.  Eyewitnesses report that she additionally attempted to kick and punch the officers trying to restrain her.  According to British authorities, Campbell will be kept in the unit with the quarantined animals passing in and out of the country; pending distemper tests and a mandatory de-clawing, authorities say she will either be destroyed or sedated and restricted to a pen. 

Mirror

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If you’re a contestant on American Idol, you’re not a “rocker.”

‘Nuff said.

Newsday

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According to a new book, Walt Disney films such as Bambi, The Jungle Book and Pocahontas have played an important role in educating the public about the environment.  A spokesman for the studio said that in the interests of realism, Disney plans to continue to make movies about nature, but with a difference – they’ll reflect the changes to the environment as the human population increases and urban sprawl moves into the wilderness.  Next year’s offerings include “Jumby,” about a bear who squeezes through the window of Winnebago and kills a family for a package of Vienna Fingers; “Mr. Mask,” about a raccoon who organizes gangs of other raccoons who figure out how to break into homes, terrorize the residents, and steal all the food and shiny objects; and “Taking Wing,” about a hungry falcon who becomes a fugitive after he steals an infant from a stroller.    

telegraph

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UK tabloid The Sun has reported that when Paris Hilton was asked in Johannesburg this weekend what she thought of South Africa, she answered: “I love Africa in general — South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries.”  Oddly, despite the heiress’s extremely limited understanding of African geography, she was able to tell Scotch whiskey from Irish, Jamaican marijuana from Hawaiian, Polish vodka from Russian, and a rich Italian guy from a rich Greek guy just by the smell of his testicles. 

the times

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