Sex Lies and Hollywood

Heather Mills has plunked down $5 million for a home in the same New York City neighborhood as Calvin Klein and Nicole Kidman.   According to sources close to Mills, she has four bathrooms, a beautiful view and a butler on standby 24/7 whose job is to assure her she’s more popular than Paul.  

New Zealand Herald

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Paul McCartney was awarded with an honorary music degree at Yale University last weekend.  According to sources at Yale who insisted on not being revealed, there was one unfortunate moment when Heather Mills showed up claiming she was entitled to half the degree.   When Mills was rebuffed by authorities, she eased her sorrows by disappearing into one of the frat houses, where according to the brothers inside she impressed an impromptu crowd with her “disappearing leg trick.”

popcrunch

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Heather Mills has been accused of breaking a promise to provide new artificial legs for a Russian woman.   After meeting the woman who lost both her legs in a train accident, the former model pledged $20,000 – while cameras were on and the press was there –but never handed over the cash, despite repeated promises.  This story has added to the public’s perception of Heather as a greedy, heartless, venal monster, but according to sources close to Heather, there are mitigating circumstances:  “People shouldn’t judge Heather by this.   That $20,000 was very special to her because it was some of the royalties on a song written by her ex-husband just four years before Heather was born.  Either that or it was wages for a threesome with an Arab sheik, she can’t remember exactly, but either way, it’s a chunk of money that represented something very special to her.”     

glosslip.com

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Heather Mills gave Paul McCartney an ultimatum to marry her or she would leave him, according to a friend who allegedly spent several months working alongside Heather as a £10,000-a-night prostitute.  Denise Hewitt, who revealed Heather’s determination to marry the former Beatle, additionally claims that Heather had made disparaging remarks about her future husband’s age, saying: “Well look at me, I’m marrying an old man with bigger t*ts than me.”  

According to sources close to the former Beatle, Mills’ words bear an eerie similarity to the words McCartney spoke to the judge in their divorce case: “Well look at me, I married a young girl with a bigger d*** than me.”    

Daily Mail 

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Less than a month after her divorce from Sir Paul McCartney was finalized, Heather Mills is already house-hunting in New York City.  While Paul and his new flame Nancy Shevell enjoyed a holiday on the paradise island of Antigua, Heather was checking out multi-million dollar properties in the Big Apple. According to her realtor, Mills has looked at several locations but feels most suited to the OldHo district.

Daily Mail

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According to newspaper reports, Heather Mills will be a celebrity judge in the upcoming Miss USA Pageant.   According to a source close to the event, “The pageant is a glorious celebration of beauty, of the vibrance of youth and potential, of talent, of all that is great about humanity.   But make no mistake,” continued the source, “this barracuda is doing it for the money.”

The Press Association

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Amazing but true:  Heather Mills, still bitter about getting only $50 million in her divorce settlement, has hired a team of forensic accountants to go through everything and prove that Paul McCartney has $1.6 billion.   Meanwhile, sources close to Paul say he’s hiring a forensic psychologist to dig into the deepest recesses of his mind to try to determine what the hell he was thinking when he married her. 

Daily Mail

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Paul McCartney seems to take a dig at Heather Mills in his latest CD – and his huge public following is thrilled about it.  According to some fans, the track “Mister Bellamy” is clearly intended as an anagram for “Mills Betray Me.” Included in the song is the line: “I’m not coming down, no matter what you say.” Another says: “No one to tell me what to do”; according to longtime Beatles fans, these words “have got to be about Heather… after all, she’s the ultimate betrayer.”   Music critics report that shrewd listeners also suspect the line “Go drown in a lake of burning pus, you one-legged whore” could be a reference to Mills, as might be the couplet “While I have Beatrice for the weekend / Why don’t you go dance on a landmine, bitch?”  

Daily Mail

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#1 in America:   “Horton Hears a Who!”   

 #1 in England:  “Macca Heaves A Ho!” 

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According to sources closes to the British justice system, Heather Mills is to receive a divorce settlement of up to $93 million from Sir Paul McCartney.  Details of the settlement were in a preliminary High Court judgment sent to the estranged couple and their legal advisers.  Asked for comment at an Albany press conference, Eliot Spitzer expressed admiration for the former Beatle.  “Over the course of six years,” said the former governor, “that’s a better hourly rate than I got from my ho.”   Taking a step back, the governor added, “Of course, mine had both her legs.” 

Daily Mail

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