Sex Lies and Hollywood

Oops, wrong photo – that’s Amy Winehouse out for a run in the park…

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Clad in underwear                                                                             

Bald, drunk, staggers in the yard    

Just like my grandpa.

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Amy Winehouse visited her husband Blake Fielder-Civil in prison yesterday, and to prove to the press that the passion is still very much alive, the songbird proudly showed the media the love bite that he put on her neck.   For those concerned with the health consequences of the hickey – according to a source close to Winehouse’s insurance agent, Amy is one of the few people in the world whose life expectancy was unaffected by a bite from a guy who takes heroin in prison. 

Thisislondon

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Amy Winehouse’s record label is telling her she better clean up her act, or they’re going to drop her.   To bloggers, this is an ice pick to the heart.  Britney Spears cleaned up and she went from delivering 12-15 stories a month to one.   Only by the sheer generosity of Amy’s hijinks have we been able to fill the gaping abyss left by the former Mouseketeer.  Amy, of course we want you do well and be healthy, but please don’t become a water-drinking poofter just yet.   Don’t leave us in the lurch like Britney did.  Let us put it in a way you’ll understand – Amy, you’re our stash, and we don’t want to go to rehab either.

nzherald

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Amy Winehouse is set to move for the third time in four months because she claims she’s being tormented by demons in her new apartment in North London.   According to a source close to Winehouse, there are definitely some kind of ghosts at work.  “The wine cellar must be haunted because every time she comes back up she’s shaking.  And when she leaves the opium den, she’s all glassy-eyed.   When she leaves the smoking room, her eyes are always bloodshot.  And when she comes up from the meth lab, she’s always extremely agitated.  There’s absolutely something bizarre happening.”     

 showbizspy

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Pop quiz! Is the above picture:

A) The surface of the moon

B) A close-up of Amy Winehouse’s face

You decide.

People

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Amy Winehouse has admitted that, despite her pleas to the contrary in her Grammy winning “Don’t Want To Go To Rehab,” it’s time for her to go back to rehab.   In a related story, Dionne Warwick, who sang “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again” has indeed fallen in love again, and Sir Mix-A-Lot, who crooned that “my anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got buns hun,” recently announced that his anaconda actually does want some from a hun without buns.  But there is a silver lining:  N Sync, who promised they’d “never stop,” has stopped.  Thank you God for that. 

The Sun

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Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil, 25, has told fellow prisoners he’s asked the singer to make payments into the bank account of another con who would then pass him heroin.   Oh, Blake, or Blake Fielder, or whatever your name is, that is so impersonal and so not fun and so not Amy.   Bank accounts for drugs in prison???  Why not just do it the old fashioned prison way and have Amy bake a syringe into a cake, or better yet, bake a whole cake where she uses heroin instead of flour!  If they can make clothes out of hemp, then damn it they should be able to make them from heroin too – why not have the missus knit you a heroin sweater that you can shoot up the threads from?  Or use that Grammy money to donate a new wing to the prison, a wing built out of cinderblocks made from heroin, so you can get transferred there and eat and snort and shoot up the entire building – then when you’re done, you’ll be free!    But bank transfers for heroin in prison?   Loosen up, dude.

The Sun

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Amy Winehouse, whose life is looking more and more like a reel life version of “Jackass Goes To Spring Break,” shocked onlookers at a club in London last week when she nasally inhaled vodka through a straw.  Snorting alcohol gets it in the bloodstream much faster and but is so dangerous that the technique is known as a “gas chamber.”  Amy, we have only one word to describe our reaction – “DUUUUUUUUUDE!!!!!!!”   

Mirror

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… Amy Winehouse’s head weighs more than her torso.

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